Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oi, Oi, Oi
by Koneko-chan1199
Summary: There are no Australians in PJO so I made my own. He is hyperactive, lucky, and obsessed with Happy Meals. May eventually be randomly shipped :) Enjoy my crazy OC who rips heads of my little ponies to summon weapons. Not even joking.
1. Pony Sacrifice

I miss Australia, the red sand, the fiery sun and the lack of annoying accents. Now I find myself stuck in America surrounded by idiotic accents and strange people going on about Greek this Roman that, truly boring if you ask me. Said strange people, currently telling me to run from a fucking giant ass, mythological, should not exist, acidic snake, how could this day get any worse. Oh yeah, I just watched my aunt melt, literally melt into a puddle after being hit with acid from this fucking snake. Not much of a loss there, but still she was my ticket back to Australia.

I stood atop a lonely hill looking down on my aunt puddle and the dripping armless lizard thing. Naaaah, we were in Maccas when this thing crashed through the roof. Being the selfish teenager I am I grabbed my food and took shelter under my table. I could not let my happy meal be taken by this horrid moving vine. In a swift moment of pure luck I pulled out my my little pony toy and ripped off its pink head. The bodiless voices told me to. Then as if by magic the horse turned into a black katana. Fuck Yeah!

I've never used a katana before but they look hella cool. Black as midnight this is one sexy blade. Standing I faced the slithering lizard.

"To save my Happy Meal!"

I charged. Pretty stupid I know but my food must be protected if I am going to enjoy the taste of my future diabetes. Tripping and stumbling under the weight of the blade I inch my way closer to the spitting beast. Just as a glob of acid is spat at me I stop drop and roll my way towards the source of the bane of my stomachs existence. The creature seems to fear my blade. Best toy ever! With moves only a gamer would know I nicked the hide of the snake, dislodging a scale. Piercing the new weak point on its hide I speared the snake like we Aussies do, ready for roasting. Yum! Not really that would be gross and the snake left.

"What the fuck was that?"

"That was a drakon, and you are a demi-god."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Grover Underwood, Satyr at your service."

"Pleasure. Now please explain why that drakon almost ruined my food."

"I don't think the drakon was after your happy meal. Please come with me so you don't die soon."

"Why would I die? I NEED ANSWERS, AND ANOTHER HAPPY MEAL!"

"THEN GET ANOTHER HAPPY MEAL! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR ANSWERS AT CAMP!"

"YAY! You shouting or dud I kill that drakon for nothing?

"Yeah sure whatever."

The boredom was making me crave another Happy Meal. What happened to my black death sword? Eh. Doesn't really matter, you shouldn't trust the voices anyway. I hear they make people burn things. Is it just me or am I really lucky, though my way out of America melted and my katana vanished but I didn't die and I GOT A FREE HAPPY MEAL! I THANK ALL THE GENEROUS GOAT DUDES THAT SHOUTED ME FOOD. THIS IS FOR YOU GROVER, mind hug.

Camp. Wow. Not what I was expecting. Cue dramatic music. It actually looked pretty normal if you ignored the fucking lava wall. What kind of camp has a LAVA WALL? THIS CAMP RIGHT HERE! Now this is live on edge. If you thought Australia was deadly you obviously haven't seen a lava wall. The tour began. A blonde, grey eyed girl lead the way, her name was Anna-something. Doesn't really matter since I kinda zoned out at the start. When we arrived at the lava wall I ditched the Anna-chick and ran for it. Now this is my kind of party. I took a running jump at the wall and scaled like a natural, almost like a goat. Haaah puns are great, y'know cuz Grover's a goat. Anyway, ADHD sucks when you're telling a story. Lava, so much lava. It was great, like being embraced by the fiery bosom of Hestia the hearth goddess, she lights the flame of my hungry heart. Not really, flames just remind me of food and hearth is flames thus her bosom is the place to be. Mmmmm food, when's dinner? I haven't eaten since my last Happy Meal.

Yay! DINNER! I ran down the hill towards the campers. I think on the wall I was claimed but it doesn't matter. I sat with table 19 with my half siblings. Ooo YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT?! BEST DAY EVER! I went through like ten Happy Meals at dinner. I can almost taste the diabetes. Almost. Then everything changed…

"Why does he have a flaming hammer?"

"Why don't you have a flaming hammer?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man! I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme."

"Oh"

A flaming hammer was then dropped in MY FOOD!


	2. Taco Fights

"Oh no you didn't!"

"Oh yes I did, whatcha gonna do about it?"

"Mate, you wanna go, I'll fight you with my Happy Meal toy and win!"

"I'd like to see you try."

Looking the impish guy right in the eye I ripped off the head of my newest toy. My smile turned maniacal when it grew into a golden spear. My own little pony armoury! Valdez just looked confused for a moment then we sprang into action. Vaulting over the table I slammed the butt of my spear into his place of tacos.

"Not my TACOOOOOOOOS!"

"Fear the wrath of my taco destroyer Valdez, fear my ponies"

"Never! Ponies don't scare me. YOU WILL NEVER WIN! I HAVE AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF TACOS! VIVA LA TACOS!"

Valdez reached into his tool belt and pulled out more tacos. It was an awesome belt, all magical and shit. Then the taco throwing started. I'm surprised an entire camp of ADHD kids didn't immediately join in but I guess they were too stunned but my taco dodging prowess. I had him cornered, he was tiring and I still have my secret weapon, my ability to create weird situations on cue. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

"Not bad Valdez but I shall unleash my secret weapon."

I threw my spear away and dived for a plate of nuggets a Harpy was holding.

"Prepare yourself Valdez, the nuggets are coming!"

Plates full of nuggets were exchanged between us but my weeb powers kept me strong enough to destroy this baka.

"I surrender to your battle prowess, great nugget thrower, please spare me, just a humble taco lover."

We both collapsed into laughter, a stunned camp our audience. Chiron did not look impressed but Leo and I did not look to impressive covered in taco and nuggets either. Chiron led us to the big house. It was a boring lecture my brain decided to skip. I spent my time being lectured in the big house removing chunks of food from my hair and face. I'm gonna need a shower after this. I returned to my cabin late after saying goodbye to my impish new friend Leo.

Hours later I was awoken by a loud blow horn. I peered through squinty eyes to see Leo grinning down at me.

"Rise and shine sleepy head, the sun is up."

"Urg go away Leooooo, m'tired."

"Breakfast is in the pavilion."

I shot out of bed faster than a speeding bullet, threw on a random orange shirt and raced to the pavilion, Leo at my side.

"How did you get into my cabin?"

"No door is locked when you're a son of Hephaestus."

"Nice to know."

Food glorious food. Mmm, do they serve Maccas with breakfast, I could really go for a McOz right now. All the beetroot and cheese and tomato and MEAT. SOO MUCH MEAT. My stomach decided to tell me to hurry up and hurry I did. At the pavilion I consumed everything in sight. Practically inhaling my food.

"So, what are our cabins doing today?"

"I think we were both assigned to sword fighting with Ares."

"Joy! Don't you have any friends at this camp?"

"Yeah, but they're all currently in New Rome or wandering the country."

"Oh, sounds like fun, why aren't you with them."

"I like my limbs attached, ALL OF THEM."

"Reasonable. Noooo, no more food" cries

"C'mon, we gotta run to the arena."

Sighs. Sport. Active. Urg.

The arena was not fun. Bitch fucker Ares chick went all commander on my ass. She wasn't even on my level. Level 69 Death Knight that is. She made me do stuff, WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Shudders. It was saddening. I am no athlete. At least she hasn't broken any bones yet.

CRACK. Spoke too soon.

"LEO! The fuck was that for wench. You can't just break his arm! Psycho crazy bitch!"

"Now I wish I went with them, then the limbs would be removed and not STICKING OUT AT ODD ANGLES! CLARISSE FUCKING WATCH IT!"

"Leeeeeeeeeeo, let's leave this wench and see what Apollo has to offer."

"Not a bad idea newbie."

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."

"Shut up McShizzle or your arm won't be your only broken appendage."

Aah, the infirmary, domain of those that shine like the sun, Apollo campers. Bleh, too much light if you ask me. The sun it burns.

"Hey Leo, you feline down. Get it, Leo and Lion. Ha."

"Please leave. Currently dying."

"Take some nectar wimp, see you at dinner."

What a partay pooper. Won't even let a guy he's known less than a day laugh at his pain. Eh, I'll just find a dark place to sleep and plot murder of my little ponies. Hehehe, all the ponies.

Sleep. Dream. Mmm nuggets, mmm burger, mmm wrap, murder pony. My dreams are awesome! Best dream ever! I was a level 69 death knight stabbing all the ponies who were defending Happy Meals. I broke through enemy pony lines to consume ALL THE HAPPY MEALS. What time is it? Best head to the pavilion for dinner. Mmm. Leo, what's he doing here?

"You missed dinner, idiot."

"WHAAT NO! Did you save me a Happy Meal?!"

"Yes and you better be happy for it, almost lost my arm saving it from Nico."

"Who?"

"Doesn't matter, you'll see him soon…"

"Why so ominous?"


	3. Death Boy

"I never found out why you have a flaming hammer."

"You'll find out soon enough…"

"Again c'mon man, we're friends, tell me!"

"Naaah."

The walk back into camp was short and boring. With nothing to amuse me I day dreamed of meeting someone without an American accent. Then I heard it, the perfect accent, Italian. The smooth voice of an Italian drifted towards me. It was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard. I broke into a run following the sound of the voice. Sneaking up on the speaker I grabbed them from behind in a fierce embrace. He was slightly shorter than me and dressed in all black. He was cool to touch but it was refreshing after being around Leo, who radiates heat.

"Finally someone without an American accent."

The boy blushed and looked down at the ground. It was extremely cute.

"I-I'm Italian."

Oh my gods, he stuttered, adooooorable. Eeeeeeeeee, he is the cutest thing. Everyone is lookin gat us oddly, I guess it's because I'm still hugging him.

"Y'know if you don't hug back soon this is gonna get really awkward."

He shifted in my arms and looked up at me. His face was redder than the beetroot on my breakfast McOz. Cutting the piece of cuteness some slack I let go. He seemed slightly disappointed but I am occasionally delusional.

"Hi, I'm Ryan, Australian demi-god son of Tyche."

"Nico, Son of Hades, Ghost King."

"Does this make us cousins or am I allowed to like you?"

Nico, his name is Nico. He looks cute when he's red. Matches the scary goth look well.

"D-do Australians ride kangaroos?"

"Naaah, Emu's are faster, more efficient, but harder to catch."

"Really?"

"Nope, we use cars and buses like regular people, though riding an emu is fun."

His laughter was adorable too, I want him more than a big mac right now. He will be mine and I will pet him. I slung an arm around his shoulder and led him away from the other demi-gods.

"So Nico, I heard you took all the Happy Meals, care to explain?"

"I summon the dead?"

"I think I can accept that answer."

"Where are we going?"

"I have no idea."

"Have you ever tried vegemite?"

"No, what in Hades domain is vegemite."

"Vegemite is a rite of passage for all Australians, and all those who are with Australians. You game to try it?"

"Am I with you?"

"I hope so."

"Okay, I'll try it."

"Yay, now I just need some vegemite."

"I could shadow travel to Australia?

"Yes! Best boyfriend ever!"

"Am I your boyfriend?"

"You are now! C'mon, we've got some vegemite to find!"

"Okay, C-can I hold your hand? It's for the shadow travel."

"You don't need to ask, you're mine and I'm yours."

"O-okay."

Oh the gods he's red again. Butterflies are buzzing. It's like he's a kitten, so cute and fluffy. Always wanted a foreign boyfriend now I have my Nico. Squeeeeeee he's holding my hand! Poof Australia. Not really poof, it was kinda depressing with those bodiless voices but eh I'm in Australia, I'm not complaining.

"Sorry about the voices."

"Nico you're looking a little bit pale."

"Just a side effect, don't worry about it, the sun'll fix me up."

"Good thing this is Australia, we've got plenty of sun."

Still worried about the fading thing. Eh if it'll pass, it'll pass. It's good to be back home because I still call Australia home. Ooo pretty green flames. Aaah old dude in the flames! OLD DUDE IN THE FLAMES!

"What the fuck?!"

"You demi-gods are always so eloquent. Nico, son what is with your… _friend._"

Cue evil sneer.

"Father? What are you doing here?"

"_Nico, I need you to do a quest for me here in Australia."_

"I guess the vegemite can wait Nico."

"What is it you want of me father?"

_"I want you and your little friend to track down an object of great importance. Some ignorant fool thought it wise to steal my staff."_

"The giant fork?"

_"Yes fool! Retrieve it and return it to my domain, son."_

Hades then vanished with and unmanly poof leaving Nico and I stunned. Me more so than him.

"Can I get a Happy Meal before we start this quest, I'm starving."

"Y-yeah sure Ryan, sorry about my dad."

"It's okay, always knew he was a scary guy but not as frightening when he poofs away."

Nico laughed. It was a nice laugh.

"Food, I need food, where's the nearest Maccas?"

"I don't know, I've never been to Australia before."

"I think we're in Sydney so there should be one within a block."

After about a day of walking (about 100 metres) we found the golden arches.

"Woot, Happy Meal here I come."

After waiting in line my turn came, I ordered 5. My number was called and I headed towards a table, Nico trailed behind like an adorable lost puppy. I flomped onto a seat and opened my first meal.

"Are you really going to eat ALL of that?"

"Yes, are you going to help?"

I smiled at Nico and his blush deepened. He hesitantly took one of the meals and started eating. We shared the last meal together just as a fucking Minotaur burst through to doors. Seriously could this day get weirder? Shadow travel I can handle, angry gods I can handle but a fucking Minotaur after my food?! Shit just got serious and I have five ponies to sacrifice.


	4. Minotaur

"One by one the ponies die, the ponies die, the ponies die, and one by one the ponies die."

"Ryan what are you doing?"

"Sacrificing ponies for weapons, what does it look like I'm doing?"

"Oh. Do you always summon weapons like that?"

"Yeah, the voices told me to."

"Why?"

He's so cute when he's confused. Ah fuck, forgot about the bumblefucking Minotaur. Highlight of any day = Minotaur attacks. Yeeeah No. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, it's charging right at me. I did not just urinate a little.

"Nico, save the last happy meal!"

"WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW?! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED!"

"FOOD IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT!"

My shouting seemed to have caught the attention of the Minotaur. Great. Aren't I supposed to be the son of the Goddess of fortune, why can't I be fortunate? Excellent why don't you just bring out the giant war axe because every monster needs a giant war axe. Yep just swing it at our table. Wait. OUR TABLE? THE TABLE WITH THE FOOD?! OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

"IT IS ON LIKE FUCKING DONKEY KONG!"

"Minotaur noises (Growling? Nose breathing?)."

So yeah. The ponies gave me a bronze war axe. Pumped to destroy this beast. Nico just stood there looking pretty. I lied. He wasn't just standing and he looked hot with is black sword of death pointed at the Minotaur. Damn his battle face can get one pumped for a fight. Like seriously he was so fuckable facing down the monster. Eh, fighting time. Bitch charged knocking Nico down. He did a flip. It was great except for the bleeding and unconscious bits. Just me and you Minotaur.

"Nico, are you okay?"

Definitely unconscious. Damn. Eh, more Minotaur for me. Thaaat is a stab wound. Damn horns, use your axe a bit. Wait, ignore that. Do not use giant war axe. I repeat, do not use giant war axe. More Minotaur noises. Fuck mate, get a breath mint or something. I can swing my axe, axe. Swing my bronze axe, axe. Can you swing yours Minotaur? Yes, yes you can. Fuck. Easy dodge. Ooops missed Minotaur.

"Na na na na na, you can't hit me. Bleh stupid Minotaur. "

Ha, I sure showed him who's boss around here. Nope he's up again. Can't it just hurry up and fucking die already. Slash, slash. Damn axe. Wow I have a good arm. Bulls eye, literally. Note to self, axes make great spears.

"Destroyd mate, Minotaurs got nothing on me!"

"Did you seriously just throw an axe at a Minotaur?"

"Nico you're awake."

"Yes, I seem to be. Killer headache though."

"At least you did a cool flip."

"You have amazing priorities."

"I know."

"You ready to start our search for my dads staff?"

"Nico, what exactly are we looking for?"

"It's a two pronged death fork."

"Oh, I know exactly where to look."

"Where?"

"The place of all evil, KFC."

"Why would it be there?"

"Because according to the internet, Colonel Sanders wants to create an army of fried chicken and intends to equip them with forks."

"You sure?"

"It's the internet so it has to be true."

"The internet is a strange place."

"Yes but that is why we go there. We need wifi to locate Colonel Sanders base of operations. Oh yeah, Maccas has free wifi. YAY!"

"Hurry up and search it then, it's our only lead."

"I'm getting there. Patience is a virtue I've been told."

Ooo, Google is looking good today. Okay now to Wikipedia. Over 600 stores in Australia.

"NICO I FOUND SOMETHING!"

"No need to shout, I'm next to you."

"Oh yeah. The first Australian KFC was opened in 1968 in Guildford, a suburb of Sydney. I think we should start there."

"Okay, whatever you say goes."

"Can you get us there?"

"Probably not, I don't want to risk fading this early in our quest, I'd rather save it for when a giant skeleton army is needed."

"Seems reasonable but we still need transportation. Got any money for a taxi ride?"

"Nope, I only carry drachmas and American money."

"Damn, maybe busking can get us enough cash to get a taxi to Guildford."

"Okay let's try it but I'm not a very good singer."

"I can't do anything. Maybe we should find another way to make money."

"Are you two handsome young boys looking for a way to make money in the big city?"

"Yeah, could you help us?"

"Help, of course I can help, come with me boys, it's only a short walk to my office building."

"Thanks, how are we going to be making money?"

"I'm going to sell your faces."

"What?!"

"Models, I'm going to turn you handsome boys into models. C'mon it's only a short walk to my building."

"This seems kind of fishy but okay."

"How can you be so trusting, but I guess we need the money. I'm in."

It was a short walk to his building. Great for those who can't concentrate like me. Ooo shiny lights. Pretty cars. Massive building. Is this his building?

"Is this your building?"

"Yes, now come inside."

We followed him but something seemed off about our situation. The further we walked into the building the more hunched the man became until he had a full on hump. This was odd. His face then seemed to be melting away, a glistening black beak formed. Oh shit, this is his face stealing lair. Fuck.


	5. Face Fetish

"Fuck, dude. You're a bird chick thing."

"You really are eloquent Ryan."

"Damn there are no ponies, Nico we're dead."

"Do you really think I'm that useless?"

"Last time we fought something you were unconscious."

"Shit you guys are demi-gods, that was unexpected but your faces always taste better."

"Why faces? Do you have a face fetish?"

I think I just pissed it off but it made Nico laugh.

"Ryan just leave this fetish freak to me, I can summon the undead."

"But can you summon weapons from ponies?"

"No, I don't think anyone else but you can."

"Haha I am superior!"

"Would you stop bickering, I'm hungry for some faces!

"We will continue this later. I'll leave the fighting to you this time Nico."

I stood back as Nico unsheathed his black death sword. Man his ass is hot from this angle and those muscles, man can he swing a sword. Like wow. I think he just pierced my heart, again. Hot accent, hot body, killer looks could I do any better? Well I can do worse, much worse.

"So bird brain what do you do here?"

"I eat faces, sell faces, frame faces. I am the face dealer of the black market."

"Then you must be rich?"

"Definitely rich, why?"

"Because when you're defeated we will be taking your money. ALL OF IT! MUHAHAHAHAH! KILL IT NICO!"

"I'm working on it, patience Ryan, for it is a virtue y'know."

He hacked and slashed and dodged and parried. It was great. He had it on the ropes until razor feathers sliced through his sword arm. Damn that's gonna leave a mark. I watched entranced as Nico chanted in a foreign language. Greek? Eh, probably Greek. Then a fucking skeleton rose from the ground and beat the shit out of bird brain. Gods that was hot.

"Just before you kill me can I know your names?"

"Why?"

"So I can make a ship name."

"Erm. I'm Ryan Allard."

"Nico. Nico Di Angelo."

"Ryco? Nian? What do you guys think?"

"I think I should kill you."

"I agree, go ahead Nico."

Boom. Actually it was more of a beheading slash, but the bird is gone.

"Quick let's find his cash stash and head to Guildford. We have a chicken army to destroy and a fork to find."

We easily found the stash behind a picture of a faceless god. It was really creepy. I'm so tired. Need coffee or sleep. Sleep.

"Nico can we sleep here, I'm tired, this time difference thing's really messing with my head."

"Okay, you can have the couch, I'll take the ground."

"Or we could both take the couch?"

"How would that work?"

"I make an excellent pillow."

Nico blushed but it's true, I do make an excellent pillow. He just nodded. Yay. I dragged him over to a conveniently placed couch and flopped down dragging him on top of me. This couch is actually pretty comfortable. Sleeeep now.

"Ryan, you okay? I'm heavy."

"Mmhmm, m'fine. Tired."

I was running along a gloomy dimly lit tunnel. Green torches surrounded me. Piercing screams followed me. I hit a dead end. Turning I found myself trapped in a round room, mounted torches marking intervals. Stone walls closed in on me and an eerie voice filled the space. Here in this garden of shadows. It sung to me, a melody of sorrow and pain. I awoke crying. Silent tears slid down my face. I gently manoeuvred myself out from under Nico and went to explore the building. Probably not the smarted idea when alone but I was shaken. I've had that dream before, always the running and the round room, that eerie voice always singing, her song echoing in my head.

"Ryan, where'd you go?"

"Nico, you're awake?"

"Light sleeper. Why are you crying?"

"Just thinking about home."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I used to live nearby before I was exiled to America."

"What's it like living in Australia."

"It's hot. Very hot."

"That all?"

"Yeah, it's not much to miss but it's still home."

I lied but Nico doesn't need to know that.

"The suns up, let's go get that taxi."

"Yeah."

We left the building. The streets were already filled with cars. We hailed a taxi and jumped in.

"Where to?"

"Guildford please."

"Sure thing boys."

25ks away and at Sydney peak morning traffic it took us half an hour to get there. We arrived at the Arab-Australian society. The KFC was closed permanently. Damn there goes our only lead.

"Let's try Australia's largest KFC!"

"Fine, where is it?"

"I think it's in Newcastle."

"How do you know this?"

"I used to live there."

"Is it nearby?"

"Erm… It's near enough? Couple hours."

"Should we shadow travel?"

"I guess but can I get a happy meal first? I need a new weapon."

"Yes but when we get back to camp you're forging your own!"

"But that takes away all the fun!"

"If fun means you're defenceless, no more fun!"

Awh, he's worried about me. I guess I can forge a weapon, or bribe Leo to make me one. Hehehehe.

"To Maccas!"

"Yes, yes."

Nico grabbed my arm and shadow travelled us to the nearest Maccas. I satisfied myself with a Happy Meal and kept the pony for the trip to Newcastle. We shadowed again and wow that KFC is massive.

"Woo, let's go destroy a chicken army!"

"We don't even know if this chicken army exists!"

"I don't care! We will defeat a chicken army!"


End file.
